Picture the sweetest, pinkest, most cotton-candy little girl you've ever seen...

Heather: (wispy, soft voice) Mrs. B, Joey just called me a butt-munch.

Mrs. B: (in disbelief) What?

Heather: Joey called me a butt-munch. Actually, he called us all butt-munches.

Mrs. B: Joey, could I see you outside for a moment?

(outside)

Joey: Yes?

Mrs. B: Did you call everyone (hesitating)...butt-munches?

Joey: Yes. (smiles ever-so-slightly)

Mrs. B: Joey, you can't call other kids...butt-munches.

Joey: I can see you smiling.

Mrs. B: Okay, so I'm having a hard time not smiling. The fact remains the same: You can't go around calling other kids butt-munches. It's just not nice.

Joey: Okay.

(Joey heads back into the room while I take a two second pause to regain my composure.)

Joey: (to class) Okay, you're not butt-munches. (pause) You're losers!

Class: MRS. B!!!!!!!

When the children misbehave, I think it is important for them to take responsibility for their actions. Last Tuesday (right before our Thanksgiving break) the students were pretty rowdy during a presentation by our school's counselor. Today, I talked with them about it and suggested that they should apologize for their behavior. When the counselor walked in...

Justin: (standing abruptly) Mrs. S? We'd like to say sorry for acting like wild animals last week. We were just excited about Thanksgiving.

Kaylee: Yeah! And pie! We're sorry.

Cheyenne: Well, now I know why I'm not so good at math.

Mrs. B: Why's that?

Cheyenne: Look at my drawing! I'm great at art!

The room is silent as the children work on a math test. Suddenly, there is a small but obvious toot noise.

Nick: Well! That was unexpected!

During our spelling test this morning...

Mrs. B: Okay, before you pass in your tests, take a moment to check your letters. Make sure your "s" is little. Make sure your "k" is little. No capital letters.

Dakota: You want a little "s?" I'll GIVE you a LITTLE "S!"

So, yesterday was interesting. Let's just say it was like a scene from The Exorcist...only with lots of little possessed people...

Mrs. B: Alright. After yesterday's fiasco, I think we can...

Marco: (interrupting) You mean...after "Barf-Boy" showed up?

Justin: Yeah! "Barf-Boy" and his sidekick "Vomit-Girl!"

Mrs. B: You better settle down and get busy or I'm going to show you what the word HOMEWORK really means!

Wyatt: (like a superhero war cry) TEACHER POWER!

Nick: Where's Dakota?

Mrs. B: He's at the doctor's office getting his cast taken off his arm.

Nick: Oh. That's good. (thinks a moment) I had a cast once. Boy, it really hurts when you bang your head with it.

(Silence for five seconds...then hysterical laughter from everyone.)

Mrs. B: Hmmm...look at that bruise on my hand...

Dusty: Wow! Did you punch somebody?

Mrs. B: Okay, today we are going to learn something new and really exciting!

Jordan: I have a bad feeling about this.

Mrs. B: (noticing that the back row of students all have their shirts up over their noses...) Okay, what's going on back there?

Justin: It's really stinky in this area. (gestures all around himself)

Student across the room: Maybe it's YOU, Justin!

Mrs. B: Alright, monkeys. Settle down. It's time for math.

Wyatt: Bring it on, little lady!

This was kind of a visual one so stay with me here...

Mrs. B: Who's coughing?

Matteo: Me.

Mrs. B: You sound awful. Do you want to go home?

Matteo: No.

Mrs. B: You sound pretty sick.

Matteo: Yeah, I really am, but I don't want to go home.

Mrs. B: Well, try not to breathe on anyone.

(Girl sitting next to Matteo slowly, surreptitiously pulls her shirt collar up over her nose. I see this and start laughing.)

Girl: Well! I don't want to get sick. I love school!

Ava: Why do you call us "babies?" We're not babies.

Mrs. B: I don't call you "babies"... I call you "angel babies."

Ava: (Thinking) Hmm...We're kinda bad. (Pause) You should probably call us "devil babies."

This was reported by another teacher...

Teacher: What is the capital of Nevada?

Student: "N"

Teacher: (thinking a moment) Umm...oh! I meant what city is the capital of Nevada?

Student: In that case, I don't know.

Justin: (Holding up a seed packet) Look, Mrs. B! This flower is called a "poopy!"

Mrs. B: Um, that says "poppy."

Justin: (disappointed) Oh. I liked "poopy" better.

Lizbeth: Mrs. B, did we get white boards from the Romans?

Mrs. B: No, honey. That is a more recent invention. Rome fell about 1600 years ago.

Lizbeth: (Thinks a moment) You weren't alive back then, were you?

Our class has been working on cutting down on the tattling. Here's why...

Josh: Mrs. B! Joey was doing arm-farts in the hallway again.

It's not so much that this is brilliant poetry...it's just that I love the image of a bride crying, her husband telling her to buck up, and chicken little telling knock-knock jokes.

Justin: Mrs. B., what's wrong with your voice?

Mrs. B: I think I'm losing it.

Justin: Are you sick?

Mrs. B: No, I feel fine. My voice is just messed up.

Justin: Maybe it's from all the yelling.

..much laughter as someone said something funny, then...

Student: Ooooh! I just laughed so hard a booger came out of my nose!

Mrs. B: ...so I need you to treat these materials carefully. I need them to last for a long time.

Joey: Like until you're teaching MY kids?

Mrs. B: Yes, something like that.

Joey: Man! You'll be OLD then!