Mrs. B: (taking attendance) Cheyenne?

Wyatt: She's not here. She's moving.

Mrs. B: Really? Is that why she hasn't been here for two days?

Wyatt: Yeah, or maybe she has the swine flu.

This one isn't funny so much...just consider it a slice of life in my class this year.

Violet: (Very whiny) Mrs. Beeeee! Joey just wiped a booger on my desk.

Mrs. B: (Not believing) Seriously, Violet, you've GOT to stop the tattling on...(sees a HUGE booger on Violet's desk) AHHHHH!!!!! Joey!

Joey: What! I didn't do it.

15 other witnesses: Yes you did!!!

Mrs. B: (Trying to be calm) Joey. (Takes deep breath) Please get a Clorox wipe and clean Violet's desk. And to the rest of you, let's just assume that from now on, wiping boogers on someone else's desk is NOT allowed.

Mrs. B: (noticing a student who is entertaining himself by making incredibly weird faces) Nicholas! Are you doing your math or are you just sitting there making faces?

Nicholas: Ummm...both?

Mrs. B: (in my own head...) Hmm...perhaps I need to explain the concept of a rhetorical question...

Mrs. B: (during a math lesson on fractions) Will you PLEASE stop with the fart noises?!!!

(silence as students absorb the reprimand...)

Mrs. B: THANK YOU! Now, if I add one-eighth and one-eighth, I get one fart...I mean FOURTH, I GET ONE FOURTH!!!!

(Hilarity ensues.)

...after an incredibly unsuccessful first attempt to use scissors earlier this year, I was giving it another go today...

Mrs. B: DO NOT cut anything but paper! Nicholas! Get those scissors away from your hair!

Dakota: Yeah, trust me, you will not like it.

I'm not sure if this is really funny or just sad...

Student: Mrs. B! Look at my bracelets! (Has about 25 on her arm)

Mrs. B: Wow! That's really something!

Student: Yeah, my mom bought them for me yesterday. Now I'm popular!

...completely connected to nothing we were talking about...

Student: Mrs. B! I'm gonna make a pesticide that is non-toxic. I'm gonna mix dish soap and baking powder and vinegar and salt and I'm gonna spray it on different plants in our yard to make sure it doesn't kill them. It will only kill the weeds. And the bugs. It's gonna work! I'm gonna be rich!

Mrs. B: Huh. And how old are you again?