A student (who unfortunately has a school principal for a father) was acting up today in class...

Mrs. B: Wyatt, would you like me to call your dad and have him come on over and sit with you for a while in our class?

Kyle: (Wyatt's best friend) Oh, MAN! I wanna SEE THAT!!!!

Mrs. B: (talking to a student from another teacher's class) Ummm, Jeffrey, did you comb your hair today?

Jeffrey: Nah. I never comb my hair.

Mrs. B: Never? Why?

Jeffrey: 'Cuz I wanna look like Mr. L.

(Note: His teacher, Mr. L., does look disheveled much of the time.)

Overheard before morning bell...

Student #1: Alllllllriiiiight! A sub! You can get away with ANYTHING when you have a sub!

Mrs. B: (Walking by, without even looking up from my papers...) Don't even THINK about it!

Student #2: Oh, man! I didn't even see her comin'!

Random, secret drawing found stuffed behind the activity tubs...looks like someone is plotting their escape...

Mrs. B: Okay, let's review our reading selection for the week. Where do the penguins in our story live?

Class: Antarctica!

Cody: (with equal enthusiasm) And Madagascar!

Jayden: Dude, that's just a cartoon!

Nicholas: Do you know how to recognize a cursive B?

Mrs. B: Yes. Do you?

Nicholas: Yes, because it looks like this...YEEEEAAAAWWWWHHHHH! (freezes in strange karate pose, leg in the air.)

Mrs. B: (taking attendance) Cheyenne?

Wyatt: She's not here. She's moving.

Mrs. B: Really? Is that why she hasn't been here for two days?

Wyatt: Yeah, or maybe she has the swine flu.

This one isn't funny so much...just consider it a slice of life in my class this year.

Violet: (Very whiny) Mrs. Beeeee! Joey just wiped a booger on my desk.

Mrs. B: (Not believing) Seriously, Violet, you've GOT to stop the tattling on...(sees a HUGE booger on Violet's desk) AHHHHH!!!!! Joey!

Joey: What! I didn't do it.

15 other witnesses: Yes you did!!!

Mrs. B: (Trying to be calm) Joey. (Takes deep breath) Please get a Clorox wipe and clean Violet's desk. And to the rest of you, let's just assume that from now on, wiping boogers on someone else's desk is NOT allowed.

Mrs. B: (noticing a student who is entertaining himself by making incredibly weird faces) Nicholas! Are you doing your math or are you just sitting there making faces?

Nicholas: Ummm...both?

Mrs. B: (in my own head...) Hmm...perhaps I need to explain the concept of a rhetorical question...

Mrs. B: (during a math lesson on fractions) Will you PLEASE stop with the fart noises?!!!

(silence as students absorb the reprimand...)

Mrs. B: THANK YOU! Now, if I add one-eighth and one-eighth, I get one fart...I mean FOURTH, I GET ONE FOURTH!!!!

(Hilarity ensues.)

...after an incredibly unsuccessful first attempt to use scissors earlier this year, I was giving it another go today...

Mrs. B: DO NOT cut anything but paper! Nicholas! Get those scissors away from your hair!

Dakota: Yeah, trust me, you will not like it.

I'm not sure if this is really funny or just sad...

Student: Mrs. B! Look at my bracelets! (Has about 25 on her arm)

Mrs. B: Wow! That's really something!

Student: Yeah, my mom bought them for me yesterday. Now I'm popular!

...completely connected to nothing we were talking about...

Student: Mrs. B! I'm gonna make a pesticide that is non-toxic. I'm gonna mix dish soap and baking powder and vinegar and salt and I'm gonna spray it on different plants in our yard to make sure it doesn't kill them. It will only kill the weeds. And the bugs. It's gonna work! I'm gonna be rich!

Mrs. B: Huh. And how old are you again?

Today during science, I was pairing up the children...

Mrs. B: And Joey, you and Chloe will be partners.

Joey: Ummmm...

Mrs. B: You two get along, right?

Joey: (Chloe is standing right next to him) Well, yeah. I'm pretty sure she likes me and I like her but I'm TRYING to get over her.

(Side note: I'm noticing that Joey and Chloe are the leads in a lot of these posts. I think they will be providing a lot of entertainment this year!)

Each day we do a daily math warm-up page. Some students finish faster than others and when this happens, they flip their paper over and draw a picture while waiting for their classmates to catch up. Yesterday, one student asked what he should draw. I told him to draw a picture of me. After some serious work (tongue out and all) he asked, "Are you sure you're going to look at this?" I assured him I would. This is what he drew:

Mrs. B: Okay, get your math papers and settle in so we can get started.

Wyatt: (To his fellow classmates) Yeah! Let's get this thing done.

Chloe is the little sister of a very quiet, sweet student I had in my class last year. I was making small talk with her today...

Mrs. B: So, Chloe, how's that sister of yours treating you?

Chloe: Not very nice.

Mrs. B: What?! Why?

Chloe: She thinks 'cuz she's older than me that she can boss me around...but I showed her.

Mrs. B: You did? What did you do?

Chloe: Her friend was over and she was showin' off and told me I had to get her a glass of water to drink.

Mrs. B: Yeah, so...?

Chloe: So, I took her a glass of olive juice instead.