I've come to realize that my class is not gifted in map-reading. First, there was to globe-making disaster. Now this during today's U.S.A. map lesson...

Mrs. B: Everyone put your finger on Texas.

David: Look, Mrs. B, Australia is in Texas.

Mrs. B: What?

Ava: Yeah, and where's China?

Mrs. B: China is not a part of the United States. It is a different country entirely.

David: But Australia is in Texas!

Justin: That's Austin, not Australia.

David: Oh.

Ava: So, where's China?

Mrs. B: (frustration reaching a boiling point) In China! Okay, look, let's move on. Everyone put your finger on the circle at the top of the map. Does anyone know what that's called?

Joey: A compass rose.

Mrs. B: (seeing a ray of hope) Yes!! Good job. So what does a compass rose tell us?

Joey: Directions like north, south, east and west.

Mrs. B: Good! (feeling better by the second)

Wyatt: Mrs. B, do you know how the pirates knew how to tell directions?

Mrs. B: No, how?

Wyatt: They went--Never Eat Soggy Waffles. (Sees the look on my face) What?

Just so no one thinks I'm truly mean to the children, here is a conversation we had today...

Violet: Mrs. B, will you please teach 4th grade next year so I can be in your class again?

Justin: Yeah! And then 5th grade after that!

Jayden: Yeah! And then middle school and then high school!

Violet: She CAN'T teach high school. We would all be taller than her!

Jayden: Okay. Just through middle school.

Mrs. B: I'm afraid the answer is no. I really like teaching 3rd grade.

Violet: (thinking a moment) Well, then, can you hold me back a year?

During the second day of learning long division...

Wyatt: I can't do this math.

Mrs. B: Why not?

Wyatt: (whining) It's ha-ard.

Mrs. B: Oh. Well. If it's ha-ard, then by all means, don't do it. I wouldn't want you to have to do anything difficult or challenging in school. I think EVERYTHING in school should just be easy-peasy, lemon-squeezie. No need to stretch your brain or give something a try. No. You go ahead and sit there and practice your addition facts. Just be sure to stick with the simple ones. I wouldn't want you to over-do it. Try 1+1 and 1+2. Those should be about right.

Wyatt: (sick of hearing me carry on) OH-KAAAAY! I'll try.

Mrs. B: (sing-song) Thank you!

Natalia: You really like to torture us, don't you?

Mrs. B: A little bit.

Mrs. B: Dennis, will you please behave yourself!

Tyson: Yeah. If you don't, I'm gonna call my Papa on you.

(small pause as everyone considers how strict Tyson's Papa is...)

Class: Oooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

A silly bit of fun on the way to the busses takes an unexpected turn...

Mrs. B: Hey, Jake! I see that cookie in your hand. That cookie is MINE!

Jake: (playing along) No, it's not! I'm gonna give it to my mom.

Mrs. B: Your mom! What's up with that?!

Jake: She doesn't have any teeth and this cookie is soft.

Mrs. B: (shocked, horrified) What?!

Jake: Well, she DOES have SOME bottom teeth...bye!

Students were given an assignment: Describe a mural you would paint at our school. Here is one student's answer...

At the top of the mural there would be UFOs INVADING EARTH! In the middle of the mural there would be George Washington heads all across it. And the background would just be comics and singing cats.

Allie: I'm tired. Can I go home?

Mrs. B: Sure.

Allie: (walks away, pauses, then turns back) I'm gonna have to borrow your car keys.

Mrs. B: I'm gonna have to say no.

Violet: Mrs. B, do you want to know what's funny?

Mrs. B: (after being asked this question about 50 times already in one day) No. I don't want to know what's funny. I don't want to know what's sad. I don't want to know what's weird...

Matteo: She doesn't want to know anything because she already knows it all. Watch this...Mrs. B, what is 57 divided by 13?

So, this one is more of a visual thing. One day during recess, the children were playing with sidewalk chalk. Usually, they just draw pictures. On this particular day, I saw one of the boys pointing and laughing at something he had written. I casually walked over and saw that he had written "POOP" on the sidewalk.

Mrs. B: David, do you really think that is appropriate for the school sidewalk?

David: No, I guess not.

Mrs. B: Well, you had better think of a way to change that word into something else.

I looked away for a moment and when I looked back, I saw this: "BOOB"

After spending a week making globes...

Mrs. B: Can anyone name the seven continents?

Eliza: Phoenix, uhhh...America, uhhh...

Joey: Mrs. B, why are you sighing?

Mrs. B: Dennis! Stop using that word! That is a tacky word. It is just like swearing and you're not allowed to use it.

Chloe: I know ALL the bad words. I hear my parents shouting them.

We had just finished making globes when I noticed a student who was furiously spinning her globe faster and faster with a maniacal look in her eyes...

Mrs. B: Eliza, what are you doing?

Eliza: Trying to make everyone in the world barf.

During a bathroom break for the students...

Mrs. B: (to the teacher across the hall) How's your day going?

Teacher from across the hall: I don't know what is WITH these kids today! Two of them were licking their own armpits and Trent just ate a bug!

Mrs. B: Take out your reading books.

Eliza: I don't like reading. Reading is my natural enemy.

Jayden: (to another student) I don't know. Ask Mrs. B. She's the teacher.

Ava: No, she's the Queen.

Jayden: Yes, she's the Queen!

Ava: BE NICE TO THE QUEEN!!!

A Sudden Chorus of Students: BE NICE TO THE QUEEN!

We were having a class picnic in the park when we were overrun with about 60 middle school students. I quickly corralled my class in one area of the park away from the older kids. One student in particular was not happy.

Lizbeth: Why do we have to be over here? WE'RE the little kids! WE should get the swing set!

Mrs. B: I agree, but I don't want you over by those older kids. I heard some of the things they were saying. They have potty mouths.

Lizbeth: (protesting loudly) But I LIVE with potty mouths!

It has been a LONG week. As one student trudged in, he voiced what everyone was thinking...

David: Am I dreaming or is it really Friday?

Okay, sometimes the children drive me crazy. And sometimes, not very often, but sometimes I mess with their heads a little for my own amusement. This was one of those times.

Mrs. B: (to the class) You know, I have a twin sister.

Violet: You do?

Mrs. B: Yup. We used to play tricks on people and switch places in class and stuff.

Violet: Didn't anybody notice?

Mrs. B: Nope. We look so much alike that only our mom has ever been able to tell us apart. The only difference, really, is that she's not as nice as me. I call her my evil twin.

Violet: I bet I could tell you apart!

Mrs. B: As a matter of fact, you can't because she's been here before and none of you noticed.

Violet: No way!

Mrs. B: Yup. Usually, when you think I'm a little cranky, it's really just my evil twin.

(fast-forward a couple of weeks)

Violet: (approaching me apprehensively) Are you Mrs. B's evil twin?

Mrs. B: (seeing an opportunity for some fun and so switching into suspicious mode) Why do you ask?

Violet: Well...because Mrs. B usually wears pants, not dresses like you, and she always wears black and you're wearing white.

Mrs. B: (lowering my voice) You're very clever. Don't tell the other kids. Now sit down and get to work.

(Violet returns to her seat with a smug smile on her face.)

Mrs. B: I need for everyone to take out their chapter books and begin reading.

Eliza: I don't feel like reading. Can I larp?

Mrs. B: (pause, thinking) Harp?

Eliza: Larp.

Mrs. B: Wha...I...what?

Eliza: (heavy sigh as though I'm really slow) Larp. Live Action Roll Play. Larp.

Mrs. B: Umm...yeah. You're eight.

Eliza: (with a lot of sass) Exactly. I have the perfect imagination for it.

Mrs. B: Okay, smarty-pants. You can LARP. LARP that you are a student reading a chapter book.

Why teachers must have a lot of self-esteem:

A student looks back and forth between myself and another teacher. She finally speaks...

Ava: Mrs. J. is kinda smaller. You're kinda bigger.

Mrs. J., who is in mid-sip from a straw, proceeds to spray a little iced tea from her nose.

Let me set the scene for you. I'm walking 42 third-graders to lunch. We pass a small group of middle school girls and my tiny little student decides to try a pick up line on them...

Joey: Hey, there, ladies! How about I get a kiss from one of you?!

Stunned silence, then fits of middle-school-girl giggles that can be heard from space.

Let's play "Guess Which Drawing is Mrs. B.!"

Choose one:

A) ...Because you seem like the kind of teacher who would have a "deer caught in the headlights" look about you.

B) ...Because, let's face it, butterfly necklaces and perfectly coiffed hair are both pretty cool and so are you.

C) ...Because I know you in real life and you DO wear some groovy, squarish glasses.

Okay, this was a trick. They are all drawings of me and each in it's own way is a very good representation. My favorite is the one with the glasses because, really, the artist captured the details perfectly. This is especially true of the turquoise earrings and the bright pink lipstick. (And, in all fairness, I WAS having a bad hair day that day, too!)

Mrs. B: (to a very introverted student) What do you want to be when you grow up?

David: An anime fighter.

Mrs. B: An anime fighter? Like an anime cartoon figure that is a fighter?

David: Yes, and I want a sword of invincibility.

Mrs. B: Uh huh. And how do you go about doing something like that?

David: I dunno. Go to college, I guess.

During a "self-directed" activity...

(p.s. The following is an example of why I don't do many self-directed activities in my class.)

Mrs. B: Tyson, that is not considered working. That's just walking around making faces at other students.

Natalia: (looks disapprovingly at Tyson and shakes her head) It's like 2nd grade all over again.

Reported by a first grade teacher...

Teacher: (holding up a picture of a hippo) What animal is this?

Small Boy: Oh!!! I know! I know! It's a hoppopitamus!

It is completely silent in class as the students take a practice standardized test...

Joey: (huge burp) BRAAAAAAWP!

Mrs. B: Thank you, Joey, for sharing that with us.

Joey: Well, it was better than the farts I shared this morning.

A student from last year stopped by to say hello...

Mrs. B: That's some outfit you have on there, Tessa.

Tessa: It's my soccer uniform. We played Savannah's team last night. They LOOOO-OOOST!

Mrs. B: Really?

Tessa: Yeah, they're called the Mud Hens and we're called the Tigers and they're like, "Bwaaawk!" and we're like, "Grrrrrrrrr!" so it's no wonder we beat them!

Mrs. B: Now let's take a look and see if this is the right answer.

Natalia: If this is the right hamster?

Mrs. B: What?

Natalia: What?

Mrs. B: (pause) You know, we really have to stop doing this.

Mrs. B: Aaaaaghhhhh! I am so...just...

Student 1: Annoyed?

Student 2: Frustrated?

Student 3: Disgusted?

Mrs. B: STOP IT!!!!

I grabbed a piece of notepaper off my desk and wrote a note for a student. He had something to say about the design of the paper...

Jayden: Hello Kitty?

Mrs. B: (with a mafioso accent) You gotta problem with Hello Kitty?

Jayden: She's weird.

Joey: Excuse me, Mum?

Mrs. B: Did you just call me mom?

Joey: No, I said, "Mum."

Mrs. B: Like in England? Like with a British accent?

Joey: Yes. Pretty funny, huh?

Mrs. B: Yeah, you're hilarious.

A student has been extra naughty throughout the day. I had just about reached the end of my rope...

Mrs. B: I'll tell you what! YOU are on my LIST!

Naughty Student: The V.I.P. list?