Guest Speaker: Has anyone here ever been to Michigan?

Gifted Student: Yes, I have!

Guest Speaker: Oh, great! And what city in Michigan did you visit?

Gifted Student: Seattle.

(At the end of a fire safety presentation, the fire fighters put on music and asked everyone to get up and dance.)

Mrs. B: (to a student who is still sitting down) Come on! Dance with me!

Student: No, thanks. I don't have rhythm.

During a discussion about the judge who will be visiting our room to present on the judicial branch of government...

Mrs. B: So save all these questions and you can ask the judge about them when he gets here. (Sees a hand in the air) Yes, Jacob?

Jacob: Can you get Judge Judy to visit? (Enthusiastic "Yeahs!" are shouted from everyone.)

Mrs. B: Well, no, because I don't know Judge Judy. (Disappointed "Awwws!")

Sabrina: Well is this guy on T.V., at least?

Mrs. B: No, but Judge Judy and all that...that's not really real. (Sees disbelieving looks on faces) I mean, she may have been a real judge at one time but all that stuff on T.V. isn't real.

Ian: (Feigning sadness) You mean (sniffle) that Sponge Bob isn't real?

Sassy girl: (showing off for the class) I'm done!

Unimpressed boy: Good for you.

Sassy girl: (unfazed by sarcasm) I know, right?!

Mrs. B: Can anyone SHOW me what "glaring" means?

(The entire class scowls pointedly at the front of the room.)

Mrs. B: Good! So it looks like everyone knows glaring. Now, can anyone show me...

Fernanado: (interrupting) Hey, Mrs. B! Look! This is sleeping! (Puts head down on desk, closes his eyes, and snores. Hilarity ensues.)

Mrs. B: Dax, will you please straighten up Emily's desk since she's not here today?

Dax: Can Kara do it? I'm not a girl!

Shelby: That's funny...you scream like one.

(We had storms today. In my room, that means movies during recess!)

Mrs. B: (Laughs at the cartoon being shown.)

Payton: Hey! You're not allowed to laugh at that! You're a grown up!

(During a class discussion of a story...)

Mrs. B: So why do you think Mr. King decides to retire on his 70th birthday?

Kevin: Probably because he's feeling all old and broken down.

Mrs. B and a student are discussing some work when they are interrupted by Jacob.

Mrs. B: So, finish that part and then you can...

Jacob: Mrs. B! I hafta tell you something. I was going to bring my eggie to class but then my mom said no so I bringed this other thing from my Easter basket instead but my brother was mad cause it's his but he don't know I bringed it. (Insert two minutes worth of talking here.) Do you want me to show you? Can I take it out at lunch cause it's not during class and I can share it there with the other students so it is...

Mrs. B: (interrupting) Jacob, are you just talking to hear your own voice?

Jacob: (pause, thinking) Yes. Yes, I am.

The "Pony Express" paid a visit to our school today. During a Q & A session, this little gem took place:

Cowboy Bob: Does anyone have any questions?

Child #1: (Obviously has a knowledge of horses) How many hands is he?

Cowboy Bob: About fifteen.

Much younger child: Nuh-uh! He has four!

Kaitlyn: Ya wanna know how I get my boyfriend to do what I want on the playground?

Mrs. B: (not entirely sure where this is going) Okaaaaaay.

Kaitlyn: I start counting just like you, "One, Two, THREE..." and he just gives up and goes, "Okay, fine!"

Each morning we read a quote of the day and discuss how it applies to our lives. Today's quote was about patience.

Mrs. B: ...So you see, you can't plant a seed and then keep digging it up to check on how fast it's growing. You have to have patience. (Sees a hand shoot up in the air) Yes, Ian?

Ian: Like my sister. She just got $400 and I'm being real patient and waiting for her to spend it on ME!

Mrs. B: Ummm...I don't think that's quite the same thing.

Gifted Student: Mrs. B! Have you met my friend, Handy? (Holds up hand with a smiley face drawn on it.)

Mrs. B: No, I haven't.

Gifted Student: Handy slapped my brother this morning.

Mrs. B: What!?

Gifted Student: That's Handy for ya!

Teacher: (yelling across the playground) ADAM! DO! NOT! EAT! THE! WORMS! (pause) YES, YOU CAN CHASE THE GIRLS WITH THE WORMS, BUT DO NOT EAT THE WORMS!

A group of students are coming in at the beginning of the school day.

Student #1: (as though acting in a Scorsese film) WHY? OH, WHY DO THEY HAVE TO TORTURE US WITH AIMS TESTING?!!!!

Student #2: Dude! They get paid to torture us!

Teacher: We don't actually get paid to torture you. It's just one of the perks of the job. (Smile)

The class has just come in from lunch and is a bit hyped up. A student notices that I am standing quietly, waiting for them to settle down.

Student: (gesturing to me at the front of the room) You guys! She's growin' old here!

A group of teachers are standing together as children board the bus. A small child runs toward them holding two halves of a plastic Easter egg on either side of his head.

Child: Look! I have an Easter egg growing out of my head!

(Five second pause)

Teacher: Yeah, he'll end up in my class next year.

At a class party for good behavior. Keep in mind, I've just painted about 15 butterflies, flowers, and/or dragon designs.

Mrs. B: Okay, Max. What would you like painted on your face?

Max: A unibrow and a beard.

Marcus: Mrs. B! Look! I pulled this little piece off my sneaker and I'm gonna do an experiment with it.

Mrs. B: (a bit distracted) Uh huh. That's great.

A couple of minutes pass.

Marcus: (Yelling...as though he's discovered penicillin) It worked! It worked! I was able to use it as an eraser!!!! YES!!!!

Ian: Guess what I want to be when I grow up!

Mrs. B.: What?

Ian: A chef...'cause I LOVE bacon!

Lila (a VERY delicate girlie-girl, using an unusually loud voice): Can I get a drink of water? I have a HUGE loogie in my throat!

Zach: (very excited) Mrs. B! Guess what! I found a really gross piece of lint in my pocket this morning!

Mrs. B: And you're telling me this why?

Zach: (still very excited) I wanted to make my day more interesting!

Mrs. B: David, you really should consider becoming a philosopher when you grow up.

David: What's a philosopher?

Mrs. B: It's a person who sits around all day thinking deep thoughts about the universe and the meaning of life.

David: Oh. I thought that was a hippie.

Overly assertive girl in back row: Cody, pull up your pants. I can see your butt!

Student #2: You shouldn't say that!

OAGIBR: Why not? It's true!

Student #3: What are you doing looking at his butt?

(Loud peals of laughter from entire class.)

(Side note: anything with the word "butt" in it is hilarious to a 3rd grader.)