Mrs. B: (taking care of some fund-raining business) Did anyone have cookie dough money to turn in?

Lee: Yeah. Man, I sold that stuff like crazy! I have a system and a STAFF!

Mrs. B: A staff?

Lee: Yup. I have my mom AND my stepdad working as salespeople! They're on my payroll.

Mrs. B: Are you sure you're a third-grader?

Mrs. B: What is the top number of a fraction called?

Class: The numerator!

Mrs. B: Great! And what is the bottom number called?

Class: The dominator!

Reed: So, Mrs. B, how long have you been married?

Mrs. B: Four years.

Reed: Wow! You must REALLY like him!

Mrs. B: You know, tomorrow is my wedding anniversary.

Reed: Please don't tell me you're going to wear your wedding dress to school!

About the tenth time someone asked me what time it was...

Teeny: Sheesh, people, will you give her a BREAK!?

In response to another exposure announcement...

Kiva: There's too many things going around. It's starting to annoy me.

So far this year, we had announcements go home for exposure to strep throat, lice, and chicken pox. Today, there was this...

Mrs. B: (looking at a new exposure announcement) You guys are little cootie-bugs! Now you've been exposed to scabies!

Reed: Okay, now they're just makin' up words!

Kaylee: (looking at my glass of tea on the desk) My grandma likes tea, too.

Mrs. B: She does?

Kaylee: Yeah, but not that kind.

Mrs. B: What kind of tea does she like?

Kaylee: The kind that comes in one of those tall bottles and opens with a cork.

Clayton: (settling into a class bean bag chair) Oh, man! These things are comsterbull!

Mrs. B: Everyone please take your seat. I need to take roll...

Jax: ROCK AND ROLL!!!

Mrs. B: ...and what do we call two words that mean the same thing?

Lauren: Cinnamons!

Clayton: Mrs. B, my tooth hurts.

Mrs. B: Is it loose?

Clayton: Yes.

Mrs. B: Yeah, that hurts sometimes. I never liked losing my teeth.

Clayton: Especially your grown-up teeth, I bet!

Mrs. B: Um, yeah. I still have all my grown-up teeth.

Clayton: Oh. My dad doesn't.

Mrs. B: I don't really know what to say to that.

Clayton: That's okay. You can't know everything!

During math class...

Mrs. B: So if my paycheck is one thousand dollars, and I need to save for...

Kaylee: You get paid?

Mrs. B: Ummm...yes.

Kaylee: You get paid to be a teacher?

Mrs. B: Well, technically, I get paid to torture you, but sometimes I do a little teaching.

(giggles around the room)

Kaylee: I can't believe they pay you to hang out with us!

(Note: I'm not sure if I should be flattered or worried that my students think I'm just "hanging out" with them.)

Clayton: Mrs. B, I'll give you $100 if you let me go home.

Mrs. B: Okay.

Clayton: Okay, but I get to go home FIRST, then I'll pay you the $100.

Mrs. B: No way. You have to pay me first, then you can go home.

Clayton: But my money is at home.

Mrs. B: Well, then, I guess you're out of luck.

Clayton: How about if I give you a free pencil?

Lee: Dude, she's a teacher. She has, like, a million pencils!

Don't you just love when children answer rhetorical questions?

Mrs. B: Pardon me, but I was talking. Why are there people chatting with each other right now?

Katie: Because they're rude.

During math, I gave a "hint" to one of my students...

Aspen: (to me) Oooooooh! That's cheating!

Raven: No, it's not. It's only cheating if you're the one who's LISTENING.

Kaylee: (to no one in particular) Mrs. B looks fancy today!

Evan: She doesn't look FANCY!

Clayton: (looking Evan up and down with disgust) This is coming from a dude in a tie-dyed tee shirt?!

Mrs. B: Where is Ferdinand?

Jasper: He went to the dentist.

Mrs. B: Oh. That's right. I forgot.

Jasper: Man, I hate the dentist!

Kevin: Yeah, it's like teeth detention.

Mrs. B: ...so I don't want to see anyone cutting their hair with these scissors.

Aspen: What about if we NEED a haircut?

Mrs. B: Then ask your mom to take you to get a haircut.

Aspen: What if we can't afford a haircut?

James: Yeah, what if we live in a box?

Aspen: YEAH! What if we live in a box?!!

Mrs. B: (tired of the silliness) No one here lives in a box!

Lee: We all sorta live in a box if you think about it.

Mrs. B: Clayton, are you alright? You look a little off.

Clayton: Well, I had to get up at 6:30 instead of 7:30 so I could catch the bus because my mom couldn't drive me to school. Then, 'cause I don't ride the bus all the time, the bus driver just drove off into the sunset and left me. Now you want us to work on our journals. MORE suffering!

Here is a picture of my new class:

Mrs. B: Clayton, I need for you to get busy writing that book report.

Clayton: But my grandpa eats dog biscuits.

(three second pause)

Mrs. B and about five nearby students: What?

During a discussion about the upcoming Labor Day weekend...

Jason: I'm going to San Diego!

Marcus: We're going to the lake!

Jessica: My grandma's coming to visit!

Taylor: What are you doing this weekend, Mrs. B?

Kayanne: I know what she's doing! She's SLEEPING!