Ava: (trying to butter me up) Mrs. B, why are teachers soooo pretty?

Mrs. B: (not buying it at all) They teach us a course on it in college. It's called "Recognizing When Students Are Trying To Get Out Of Trouble 101."

Ava: Awwww, man!

Overheard while two students were having a little disagreement...

Student #1: Well, you're POOPY!

Student #2: Well, you're just gross!

Mrs. B: So, I'm thinking that we should come up with some sort of reward for the class if you all do a good job during our benchmark test week.

Joey: (under his breath but loud enough for me to hear) Bouncy house, bouncy house, bouncy house...

Mrs. B: ...and remember, angle is spelled A-N-G-L-E, not A-N-G-E-L. Angles are different from angels.

Dennis: I'm an angel.

Joey: THAT'S a matter of OPINION!

Dennis: THAT'S A FACT!

Reported by another teacher...

Teacher: Okay, stand over by that tree and smile so I can get your picture for the year book.

Student: Why do I need to be in the year book?

Teacher: Because you are an important part of our class and we want to include you.

Student: Then you should take a picture of your coffee because it is an important part of our class, too.

Teacher: (thinking a moment) You know what, you're right. I'll take a picture of my coffee cup and put it in with our class photos, too.

Mrs. B: So, it looks like Joey is the only one who got question number 7 right. He remembered to draw out an array to find the answer. Good job, Joey!

Joey: HA! BEAT THAT, PEOPLE!

Our school counselor teaches a unit on recycling to each third grade class. This conversation happened when they were talking about "reusing."

Mrs. S: So what are some reusable items we can donate?

Joey: Furniture.

Ava: Dishes.

Mrs. S: Yes! Good! What else can go to Goodwill?

Eliza: Your jacket?

Mrs. S: (a little surprised, looking at her blazer) Umm...not yet.

At the beginning of class today, I looked up from my attendance book only to see that one student had made a little paper tent with a message on it. Presumably, the message was for me.

Notice the fun spelling of "tired" along with the lolling tongue and hand wiping sweat from his brow.

After lunch, the children usually come in and take out their daily math page and begin working. Today, I noticed Violet standing in the back of the room by the hamster cage. I walked over to see what she was doing...

Mrs. B: Hi, Violet.

Violet: (in an unusually pensive mood) Hi.

Mrs. B: What are you doing?

Violet: You bought Boo some new tunnels for his cage.

Mrs. B: Yes, I did. I think he really likes them.

Violet: Yes. (pause, sigh) Hamsters are never really free.

...while making a birthday card for another teacher...

Joey: Hey, Mrs. B! Here's my message on my card, "Get drunk and eat cake! Happy Birthday!"

Mrs. B: Um, yeah. You can't write that.

Joey: I can't? Why not?

Mrs. B: Because it's not appropriate.

Joey: Oh, shoot!

This is proof that kids are waaaay more tuned in to what is going on around them than we think...

Jayden: Charlie Sheen has gone crazy.

Justin: Nah. He's just livin' large!

Mrs. B: I need everyone to quiet down immediately. Look at Kaylee! She's sitting like a perfect angel!

Natalia: (unimpressed) She's always an angel. (lifts her arms slowly while imitating a choir of angels) AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Our story this week is about a little girl who moves to America from Korea. I was trying to get the class to empathize with the main character who was feeling uncertain about life in a new country.

Mrs. B: So, imagine how you would feel going to a new country to live where it was completely different from the way we live here.

Joey: How would it be different?

Mrs. B: Well, for instance, what if you moved to a place where you live in straw huts instead of houses and you didn't have any indoor bathrooms?

Joey: Where would you go to the bathroom?

Mrs. B: Outside.

Joey: How do you wipe your butt?

Justin: With a rock.

Joey: That would itch!

Mrs. B: Um, yeah...never mind.

Question from a reading test:

In the story, April says, "The older you are, the wiser you become." What does she mean by this?

Student's written response:

If you're young, you don't have time to gather smarts. If you're old, you've had plenty of time.

This will officially be known as the "Year of the Alien" in my class...

Chloe brought her dad for show and tell. He is a fireman. While he was presenting to the class, she stood by me at the back of the room and whispered comments to me...

Chloe: Look, my dad is going bald. Who has ever heard of a bald fireman?

Dad has now launched into the need for every family to have a fire escape plan...

Chloe: Yeah, WE don't even have a fire escape plan. My plan is to get out of the house.

When people hear that I teach gifted children, they say, "Oh, that must make it so much easier!" Let the following drawing stand as my reply...

We were studying angles, and the students were supposed to be taking notes...typical stuff...acute, obtuse, right. This is what one of my "gifted" students did. By the way, that is a cow being tossed about by the tornado because, let's face it, cows and tornadoes are much more interesting than right angles.

Mrs. B: Joey, just use common sense and solve the problem.

Joey: What's common sense?

Eliza: Boy! THAT explains a lot!

During a lesson on poetry...

Eliza: Can I recite a poem my dad taught me?

Mrs. B: (noticing the mischievous gleam in Eliza's eyes) Um...is it a nice poem or a naughty poem?

Eliza: Well, it's about beans and farts.

Mrs. B: Then, no.

Reported by another teacher...

Student: Can I start wrestling again?

Teacher: Well, let's see. You still have an "F" in reading.

Student: (pause, thinking) Is it a capital "F" or a lower-case "F?"

Mrs. B: Look! There's an interesting word in this sentence--cacophony. Does anyone know what "cacophony" means?

(complete silence)

Mrs. B: Okay, I'll give you a hint. When I was little, sometimes I would turn up the volume on my record player and my mom would say, "Turn down all that cacophony!"

Lizbeth: Record player? Oh, man! How old ARE you?

A comment from one of my students...

Eliza: The only thing hippies do is name their kids "Rainbow."

This week is Read Across America week--a celebration of Dr. Seuss's birthday. We have a lot of parents and volunteers coming to class to read to the children. Today was Wyatt's dad's turn.

Wyatt's dad: Does anyone know what I do?

Nick: You're the middle school principal!

Wyatt's dad: Yes! And what else do I do?

Justin: Boss people around?