(Mrs. K just called with this one she remembered from our zoo trip the other day.)

Jacob: Oh my God! Look at that!

Mrs. K: Jacob, it doesn't sound very nice to say "oh my God." Why don't you try saying "oh my gosh" instead?

Jacob: Okay. Sorry. (pause, thinking) You know God?

I just remembered this from yesterday...

Angelica: Mrs. B, remember how you said we should dream big?

Mrs. B: Yes.

Angelica: I do dream big. My dream is that I will marry Justin Bieber when I grow up. I'm gonna MAKE it happen!

This is my final post of the school year. The little darlings went home today and I am officially on summer break!!!! WOOO HOOO!!!

(We are sitting in a circle on the floor as I go around the group saying something nice about each student. During each comment, Jacob interrupts...)

Mrs. B: Tessa, what I have liked most about you is that you are so independent. You are always smiling and busy, but you never need to be the center of attention to be happy.

Jacob: (Interrupting) Like me! I need lots of attention.

Mrs. B: Yes, Jacob. That is true. So, Tessa, as I was saying, you are bright and fun and...

Jacob: (AGAIN) I'm gonna miss you, Mrs. B.

Mrs. B: I'm going to miss you, too, Jacob. (long pause) Ummmm...what was I saying?

It was zoo day yesterday. Lots of funny stuff was said but, sadly, I was so exhausted at the end of the day, I couldn't remember anything. This came back to me this morning while getting ready for school.

Tour guide: (somewhat quietly) As you can see, we are being stalked by the tiger to our right. She is crouching low in the grass and her ears are flat. Do you see the camouflage of her coat? That helps her stalk us without being noticed.

(quiet ohhhhhs and ahhhhhhs)

Tessa: (loudly) WE CAN SEEEEEE YOU!!!!!

Girl in front row: Mom? (suddenly embarrassed) I mean...Mrs. B? Sorry. I called you mom. I meant Mrs. B.

Mrs. B: That's okay.

Other girl in front row: Yeah, it's okay. She's our mom away from mom.

Normally, my classroom is very tidy and very quiet. Not so, today. We were making memory books complete with pictures of all our adventures throughout the year. Of course, the children were noisy, messy, and very happy.

Mrs. B: (to the class) Aren't you all impressed that I'm not freaking out about the chaos?

Class: (no reply, too busy and too loud)

Mrs. B: (to Jacob, who is standing right next to me) It's all driving me meshugana, you know.

Jacob: (patting my hand) I know exactly how you feel.

Tessa: (obviously faking) Mrs. B, I feel like I could throw up.

Mrs. B: Really? Let me know how that works out for you.

(Tessa looks indignant at first, then smiles and goes back to her seat.)

(I was out of the room and Mrs. K was left in charge. The children began to get a little rowdy sooooo...)

Mrs. K: That's it! I'm gonna take points! (goes to the board and picks up a marker)

Student at the back of the room: She won't do it. She's like the grandma!

(Mrs. K is a weekly volunteer in our classroom. She's also my mom...yay Mom!)

Kimmie: Me and Kevin like each other.

Mrs. K: Oh, really? Does Kevin know about this?

Kimmie: Yeah, we play basketball outside everyday.

Tiny Girl: (holding two small rhinestones in her palm) Mrs. B, these fell off my shirt.

Mrs. B: Well, just find a safe place to put them and maybe your mom can glue them back on when you get home.

Tiny Girl: Okay.

(hours later)

Mrs. B: Did you find a safe place for those rhinestones?

Tiny Girl: Yes, I put them in my belly button.

Student from party #1: (during a mock election speech) ...and in conclusion, if you vote for our candidate, our party will give you all the free candy you want!

Student from party #2: Hey! That's not fair! He can't really give candy to everyone!

Student from party #1: Oh, like a presidential candidate has never lied before!

Mrs. B: Okay, monkeys, take out your pencils and notebooks.

Emily: (very indignantly) I'm not a monkey. I'm a princess.

Dax: That's what YOU think!

A student walked in about thirty minutes late this morning. The room was quiet because the students were working on an assignment. Just as she sat down...

David: (To late girl) My dog died on Mother's Day.

Late Girl: (Greatly confused) Okaaaaaaaayyyyyy...

Wyatt: Well, THAT was RANDOM.

I have a rule--no food in class. This morning I was running late so I didn't get to eat my breakfast at home like I normally do. I was trying to sneak bites of granola bar at the back of the room when I got busted by the kids.

Sassy Girl #1: OOOOOOHHHH!!! You have FOOOOOOOOOOD!!!

Mrs. B: I know, but I didn't get to eat breakfast this morning.

Sassy Girl #2: (To me) I'll handle this, you just eat your junk food. (To Sassy Girl #1) She's the teacher. She can do whatever she wants!

Jacob: Mrs. B! Mrs. B! How come all the multiplication problems are sixes, sevens, and eights?

Mrs. B: It's a test. I want to see if you know them.

Jacob: (slight pause while thinking) It's a good thing I do!

As you know, the end of the school year is only a couple of weeks away. As a result, the children have become very cheeky this past week or so. Today, a child from another class (thank goodness) lit a stink bomb in the bathroom that is right next door to my room. Not just a "stink" bomb...a FART bomb...the kind that creates a gag reflex and makes you run for air. After all had settled down, our class resumed.

Mrs. B: Alright, you guys, what was up with the stink bomb in the bathroom?

Sassy girl: It was a present for "teacher appreciation week." You're welcome!

Did Shel Silverstein's teachers have to put up with this?

Tiny, Sweet Girl: I don't WANT to do this math. It's haaaaaard!

Mrs. B: How lucky for you! It's a chance to learn something new! Now get busy and stop whining.

Tiny, Sweet Girl: (under her breath but loud enough for me to hear) You're el diablo.

Mrs. B: Oh! Look at that. I got bitten by a mosquito.

Student: That's nothin'. I got bitten by a vampire!

(I gave the students an assignment: write a four line rhyming poem and illustrate it. The following is what one student turned in...)

My name is Donna.

I have a pet piranha.

My piranha ate my iguana.

Now my iguana is gonna.

(This was accompanied by a drawing of a little girl crying at her fish tank while the fish inside burped.)

Mrs. B: (after looking in the mirror and noticing a huge black mark across my face) Umm, would anyone like to explain to me why NO ONE told me I had this huge black mark on my face?

Melayna: Yeah, we thought it was hilarious so we decided not to say anything.

Mrs. B: How long has it been there?

Melayna: All day.

(Our class made Mother's Day cards today.)

Mrs. B: Jason, this is a very nice picture of your mom on your card but why is she crying?

Jason: 'Cuz she's so happy.

Emily: I put my hamster on my mom when she was sleeping and it scared her and she flew it across the room.

Kaitlyn: Awww, poor hamster!

Emily: It's okay. It landed on its feet.

(While teaching long division for the first time)

Mrs. B: So, Dakota, we've divided two into five. What is the next step?

Dakota: I don't know. I can't hear you 'cuz Tessa won't stop yapping at me.

Tessa: HEY!