During a visit from a police officer...

Officer T: (explaining the different gear on her belt) ...and this is a taser. I'm not going to take it out of my holster, but basically it zaps a person and they can't move.

Aspen: Does it hurt?

Officer T: Yes, but only for a few seconds. It's just enough time so we can get the person under control.

Aspen: (to me) Maybe you should get one of those.

Reed: Yeah! Or put shock collars on us!

I always have the students dedicate their test scores to their "favorite person" as a way to motivate them. Reed had other ideas...

We use a "bee bucks" economy system in our room. Reed had the idea to create drawings and sell them. He dejectedly came up to me one afternoon with this drawing in his hands...

Mrs. B: What's up, Reed?

Reed: I tried to sell this drawing but no one wanted it!

Mrs. B: Sorry to hear that. It's pretty cute.

Reed: I know, right? I mean, who wouldn't want a drawing of a squirrel riding a unicycle?

I have an exercise ball at the front of my room. When you sit on it, it tends to make "toot" noises. The children find this highly amusing.

Cassidy: (sitting on the exercise ball and purposely making a HUGE toot noise) AHHHHH! That felt GOOOOOD!

Mrs. B: (to Teeny, who is standing next to me) When does summer break start?

Teeny: (not getting the concept of a rhetorical question) Ummm...summer, I think.

Mrs. B: If you're doing origami, the important thing is to be precise with your folds. If you're not precise, what you're trying to make may not look right or work the way you want it to.

Summer: Unless you use glue.

Mrs. B: You don't use glue with origami.

Summer: But you could.

Mrs. B: No. Origami is really all about folding paper. It's a type of art, and you don't use glue.

Reed: So, what if you do use glue? What's it called then? Glue-i-gami?

During a game of charades, a student was acting out an animal while the rest of the class tried to guess which animal it was...

Teeny: (sticking out her tongue and pretending to lick something)...glump.

Aspen: A snake!

Summer: A cat!

Reed: A barfing lizard!

During the movie "Chimpanzee"...

Candy: (referring to the baby chimp) Ewwww...he picked his nose and ate it just like we do!!

Reed: (coming into class in the morning) ...AND you just fruity-tootied!

Dane: I did not!

Mrs. B: Ummm...what?

Reed: He fruity-tootied. You know...cut the cheese, pooted, fluffed, farted...

Mrs. B: Yeah, you can stop now. I got it.

Reed: Guess what baby koala bears do!

Mrs. B: What?

Reed: (disgusted and delighted at the same time) They eat their mom's poo! Guess what vultures do to keep cool in the summer!

Mrs. B: (hesitantly) Ummm...what?

Reed: They poo on their feet!

Mrs. B: Reed! Where do you get this stuff?!

Reed: (pointing to the shelves) From a book in our class library!

Mrs. B: Are you okay, Joey? You're coughing a lot today.

Joey: Yeah, I have cough drops in my backpack.

Jax: OOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHH! You're not allowed to have cough drops at school!

Joey: (panicking) I take it back!

My mom, Mrs. K, comes in at least once a week to help out in the classroom. Sometimes she gets more than she bargained for...

Clayton: Mrs. K, guess what happened!

Mrs. K: What?

Clayton: I ate a handful of gummy bears and one came out of my butt!

We've had a bit of trouble with lice this year. I was going over yet another notice for parents when...

Reed: We just need a professional monkey to come in and pick all the lice out of everyone's hair.

Reed: I love playing chess. I'm great at it.

Dane: Me, too.

Joey: So what? Chest is easy! I can play chest.

Reed: Ummm, it's chess, not chest.

Joey: Oh. (pause) I don't know that one.

Since it is the end of the year, I'm having a lot of different speakers present to the class about their jobs. Today it was a newspaper reporter. Here are some of the children's questions...

Aspen: Have you ever written about hobos?

________________________________________

Teeny: (dreamily) Have you ever interviewed Justin Bieber?

Reporter: No, I haven't interviewed him.

Clayton: Oh, man, if you said yes, I'd just go home and cry.

________________________________________

Reed: When you have days off, do you just go home and sleep? 'Cuz that's what Mrs. B does.

Mrs. B: Thanks, Reed.

Reed: No problem.

________________________________________

Jax: Who do you think would win in a fight...Big Foot or Yeti?

Reed: Duh, they're the same thing!

Reporter stares a moment then shakes her head and calls on the next student.

Reporter: Yes, you there...

Cassidy: I think I know who Big Foot is... (points to Clayton)

Clayton: (looks up) Huh? (sees everyone staring at him) What?!

For all the Reed fans, here is his "A, B, C--I'm grateful for" list complete with reasons why. My personal favorite is "P"...

(p.s. the spelling is all his!)

A--Awsomness, cause I am

B--Bee bucks are fun (Bee bucks are what we use in our classroom economy)

C--Cats, cause I love them

D--Dogs are so playful

E--Elfs cause they make toys

F--Fish, they taste good

G--Gold, you can buy stuff with it

H--Heat so you won't get cold

I--Ice to cool things down

J--Jello, it just tastes good

K--Kittens, they're so cute

L--Limes, they're good with all kids of stuff

M--Money, they make you rich

N--Nickles, save enough and you'll have some money

O--Operations, they help you

P--Playstations, they are deadly fun

Q--Quilts, they keep you warm

R--Reed, he cool

S--Savers, they'll save you (fire fighters just did a presentation in our room)

T--Toucans are awesome

U--Urchins, they are good for safety

V--Vines, you can swing on them

We have a tiny little girlie-girl in our class. Everything about her is small except her ability to stand up for herself...

Mrs. B: Leila, you have to write smaller than that.

Leila: How small? Like Aimee small?

Aimee: HEY!!!!

Another drawing from the "using shapes to make art" book...

(Side note: Even though the school year is ending soon, I have saved a bunch of drawings and quotes so I'll be posting all summer!)

We had our friend, the Judge, back for his yearly presentation on the branches of government. Rather than post each comment or question he was asked separately, I'll just list them here.

Judge: (joking with the children) ...so when I finish talking to you today, there will be a TEST!

Ally: (panicking) But, I usually have time to study before I fail a test!

The Judge reassures her that he is kidding. A few moments later...

Ally: In the test at the end, is there going to be any spelling?

_____________________________________________

Jax: Have you ever been so bored you wanted to go home?

_____________________________________________

Aimee: (in a small, squeaky, girlie voice) What happens if someone farts in court?

_____________________________________________

Clayton: Do you ever get sweaty in those robes?

_____________________________________________

Aspen: Have you ever said, "I'll be the judge of that!?"

_____________________________________________

Leila: Have you ever hit anyone with your hammer?

An argument was well under way when I went outside to get the kids after lunch...

Stephen: YES, YOU DID!

Antonio: NO, I DIDN'T!!

Stephen: YES!!!!!

Antonio: (clenched fists, trembling, and close to completely losing it) NOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Reed: Watch out, Stephen. He's gonna go King Kong on you!

I love this class, but they tend to be a hypochondriacs...

Student #1: (whining) My head hurts.

Student #2: (trying to top student #1) My face hurts!

Student #3: (trying to top them both) Your faces hurt my head!

Clayton: Mrs. B, if you had a zillion, gajillion, pabillion, zamillion dollars, would you give us half?

Reed: (voice dripping with condescension) Those aren't even real words!

Cassidy: (whining) Mrs. B! You said violence wasn't allowed at school!

Mrs B: It's not. Why?

Cassidy: 'Cuz Aspen just KILLED ME with his breath!

Aspen: (proudly) I didn't brush my teeth this morning. It's how I make people get outta my way!

Last night we had our 3rd grade musical. Some students were not as enthusiastic as others...

Reed: Well, (heavy sigh) I'm here. Don't expect much from me, though.

We were reading a story about nature when I stopped to do a vocabulary check with the children...

Mrs. B: Ohhh..look at this word. It's "twilight." Does anyone know what "twilight" is?

Aspen: Twilight is the best movie ever! (Sees the look on my face) What?! It is!

Joey: Mrs. B! Mrs. B!

Mrs. B: What, Joey?

Joey: I know how to say "enchilada" in Spanish!

Mrs. B: Good for y...wait, what?

I tend to lose my keys a lot. A student found them the other day...

Cassidy: (holding up my keys) Goodbye! I'm going to go drive your car!

Amy: You can't reach the pedals...just so you know.

Cassidy: I can if I stand up!

We were discussing what everyone wants to be when they grow up...

Reed: I'm gonna be a culinary chef. I'm gonna live in London and serve very small portions and charge people a lot of money.

(Five seconds of silence as the students ponder what was just said...)

Ally: I'm gonna be a NINJA!

A student finished his math test in record time. I was suspicious...

Mrs. B: Joey, did you do your very best on this?

Joey: Uh-huh! I believed in myself and I checked my answers twice!

Teeny: (handing me a piece of paper) Here you go.

Mrs. B: What's this? (looking at the paper) Oh! Cute pirate!

Teeny: It's not just ANY pirate. It's YOU as a pirate. See, you're wearing fancy boots.

Mrs. B: How are you feeling today, Reed? We missed you yesterday.

Reed: Yeah, you wouldn't have liked me yesterday. My nose was a volcano of snot.

A student was very grumpy with everyone around him...

Mrs. B: Aspen, what is with you today? You are so crabby!

Aspen: (pointing to his neighbor) Well, Reed isn't exactly a carnival ride either!

Mrs. B: So...what charity would you give a million dollars to if you could?

Reed: I would give the money to bald people like my dad so they can buy wigs.

Aspen: You're weird.

Reed: Everybody already knows that.