Mrs. B: (to a naughty student who was being very sassy) Listen here, little miss, "acting cute" won't get you through life.

Cutie: It'll get me most of the way!

Spring is in the air!

A lot of the children were really sleepy and crabby today. I noticed. The school counselor noticed. We both gave the class a "talking to" about going to bed early tonight. At the end of the day, I asked my usual question...

Mrs. B: Okay, someone tell me something that they learned today.

Reed: I learned that you and Mrs. S. are BIG on getting enough SLEEP!

As we settled in for lunch...

Mrs. B: So, what do you all want to talk about?

Reed: Let's talk about toe-jam.

We were having a pizza party and chatting...

Teeny: Lauren is a slow eater.

Summer: (to Lauren) Yeah, you're a slow-poke!

Teeny: My sister eats fast. She's a fast-poke.

A student was having a hard time settling down and getting to work. This, apparently, annoyed his neighbor...

Summer: Are you gonna write, Jax, or just talk all day?!

Mrs. B: (holding up a pencil that has been gnawed down to the lead) Okay, that's it! I want to know who has been EATING the pencils?!! (pause, no answer) Aspen, was it you?

Aspen (indignantly) NOOOO!

Mrs. B: (narrowing eyes at him) ASPEN!

Aspen: Okaaaaaay.

Reed: (Looking through the choices for an animal report while everyone quietly works) YES!!! A WOMBAT!

Mrs. B: Reed, my goodness. Quiet down.

Reed: But I've always wanted a pet wombat! They're like a small bear!

Mrs. B: (sneaking up behind a naughty student) Shhh!

Jax: (goofs around for another tens seconds before being startled at the sight of me standing behind him) ARRGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Cassidy: (laughs hysterically) Ahhahahahahaha! Did she scare you?

Jax: YES! She was in my personal bubble!

Tessa: Yesterday my uncle sucked a noodle up his nose and it came out his mouth.

Mrs. B: Ugh...gross!

Tessa: That's not the gross part. The gross part is that it had boogers on it!

Mrs. B: (completely disgusted) Are you kidding me?

Tessa: Yeah...but only about the boogers. The noodle part is true.

Aspen: You're my third-favorite teacher of all time!

Mrs. B: Who are the two teachers you like more than me?

Aspen: (pause, thinking) Wait! You're my fourth-favorite teacher of all time!

Clayton: I don't liiiiiiiiiiiike girls. Why do I have to sit by giiiiiiiiiiiiiirls?

Mrs. B: What's wrong with girls?

Clayton: They're gross. I'd rather sit next to my pig after a mud bath.

Reed: So I was reading National Geographic...

Mrs. B: (not sure where this is going) Uh huh...

Reed: And it said that in Finland there is a cell phone throwing contest.

Mrs. B: Okay.

Reed: I was just thinking...that would be great for my mom!

Joey: (raising his hand and calling out) Mom! I mean, Mrs. B! I mean... (completely confused)

Cassidy: You should call her Mrs. Mom.

I was standing at the back table going over a project with Reed when another student walked by us and tooted loudly.

Reed: WHY? WHY ME??!! (Falls to the floor, grabs his throat, begins rolling around) WHY DOES THIS ALWAYS HAPPEN RIGHT BY MEEEEEEE???!!!!

Reed: So I had this dream last night that I was in my jammies and I was riding a polar bear to Panda Express. What do you think that means?

Clayton: I think it means you're weird.

The school counselor comes in once a week to teach character education to the children. She works on self-esteem and study habits and goal setting. Here was the beginning of her class this week...

Counselor: What would you want to change about the world if you were in charge?

Reed: Lower gas prices!

Counselor: Great! Wait, what?

Mrs. B: (reading a notice from the nurse's office) Oh, wonderful. You've all been exposed to chicken pox again.

Reed: Today, chicken pox. Tomorrow, rabies!

(A loud cheer goes up from the class)

Mrs. B: Can anyone define the word "glare" for me?

Reed: It means a mean stare!

Aspen: (suddenly understanding) OOOOOHHHH! Like you look at us when we don't do our work!

Mrs. B: Well, I, uhhhh...yeah.

During a class picnic...

Reed: Mrs. B, did you know that there is a small amount of gold in the human body?

Teeny: Maybe we should squish some people to get the gold.

Mrs. B: I don't think that's a good idea.

Reed: I dunno. (Looks around at classmates who are acting goofy) There are some people I'd like to squish.

Mrs. B: (taking attendance) Okay, who is not here today?

Jax: Me! I'm not here!

Aspen: (randomly, in the middle of a lesson) Mwahahah! Mwhahahaha! Mwahahahahaha!

Mrs. B: Ummm, what are you doing?

Aspen: I'm practicing my evil laugh.

Aspen: (whispering about another student) I think she's a witch!

Kaylee: Maybe you're a witch!

Aspen: NOOO! I'm a warwock.

Mrs. B: I think you mean warlock.

Aspen: I'm pretty sure it's warwock.

Monday morning...

Mrs. B: I see three heads down. I know it's Monday but I need everyone to sit up straight, please.

Joey: (to the class) You should never put your head down. It makes your brain fall asleep.

During a lesson on information resources like dictionaries, encyclopedias, atlases, etc.

Mrs. B: What do we use now that can replace all these books?

Class: The internet!

Mrs. B: Right! But when I was in third grade, we didn't have the internet. We didn't even have computers. We only had three channels on t.v. We didn't have cell phones or DVD players or microwave ovens! Can you imagine?

Joey: Did you have cars?

Mrs. B: No, we just rode to school on our dinosaurs.

"Cooties" are definitely a BIG DEAL in our class right now...

Clayton: Ewwwwww! You have cooties!

Aimee: (indignantly) I don't have cooties! I took a shower this morning!

Kaylee: I can speak a little French.

Mrs. B: Let's hear it.

Kaylee: Par-lay voooo fronsay? I know that 'cuz my grandma is kinda French.

Mrs. B: I need you to think about the solution to this situation in our story...

Jax: (interrupting, being cheeky) I'm not gonna think!

Summer: What else is new?

Mrs. B: Okay, how are we going to figure out how much change we will get back from a dollar in problem number three?

Aimee: Cheat?